I’m 27 and I live with my mother. Neither a guy nor, of course, I have a husband. Children too. I didn’t even go on dates. The fact is that we live in a small town, and the mother constantly says: “What a terrible city, only drug addicts, alcoholics where you go, there’s nowhere to go here”. And all that way.
When I began to go to the gym, my mother began to say: “Money is right, I would go to the garden – I would have lost weight, and saved the money”. When I watch some films, I read some books, music, she always says: “How can you watch it (listen), there is nothing normal”.
I wanted to move and said this to my mother. She began to blame me for the fact that I was sick on my head, that I would be thrown out of the apartment after 2 days, because I can’t do anything. That they will pester me there and they will almost kill me.
What should I do? How can I get out of this relationship? She constantly blames me for everything. Either I did not pay for the communal apartment, then I did not feed the dog, then at work I do not help her.
Christina, 27 years old
Christina, pay attention: you have a relationship. Pretty close. And this is a relationship with your mother, but they are called toxic.
Judging by your narrative, your mother is pretty narcissistic. She violates your boundaries, manipulates you … But you are unlikely to change this, waiting for your mother to recognize you capable of independent life. When he ceases to blame you, unloading your anger and anxiety on you … She has such a lifestyle, she is such a person. It remains to accept and forgive.
You can change your life exclusively. How? Having taken power (the right to make decisions) and responsibility (suffering for the unattainability of the result). Without these two aspects, the freedom that you so wish is impossible. In fact, this is a story about separation – My link the process of separating the child from the parent. And you are not completed.
There are 4 types of separation:
- Psychological independence: “I do not need frequent intimacy with my parent, I have another partner”;
- According to the worldview: “I have my own values and views on life”;
- functional: individual housing, independent provision and maintenance;
- Conflict: “I stopped getting angry at the parent. He has his own opinion, and I have my own. I do not need permission for my life, I live it myself “.
You have to implement all these aspects. And the most important thing is your psychological readiness. As practice shows, in situations with an incomplete separation, despite the fact that the child is tormented, he has a secondary benefit: parents are responsible. The anxiety interferes with this: on the one hand, freedom is so sweet, on the other – it is scary!
A person gets stuck in an “eternal child”, forgetting gradually that he actually lost the status of a child at 18. And then he tries to find the one who replaces the parent in decision -making and responsibility – for example, a husband or employer. And remains with this incredibly destructive illusion that someone will live his life for him.
This is the most important problem in separation issues through which it is so difficult to go due to psychological defense. Therefore, it is better to find a psychologist for yourself so that he helps you not get off the course.
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